These are very recent comments I posted to a transgender forum on Amazon.com. They very briefly summarize my issue and my progress until quite recently. These comments were written to people assumed to be non-Christians, however I assumed a little bit of background knowledge of transgender-ism and gender identity disorder. ( Here is a nice background article on the topic)

There have been some very recent, crucial developments, and I've copied some of the emails related to these below.

Please note that there are blue-highlighted words in this text. You may click on them to get information to help you understand what they mean and why they are used in a given context.

My comments appear on pages 6-11. I have omitted other comments related to mine for brevity but you may read them here.

Posted on Mar 24, 2009 8:27 AM PDT Last edited by the author on Mar 27, 2009 8:12 AM PDT Brett Blatchley says:

What is odd about this is that I am intensely transgendered (MTF), and I am trying to integrate both my male and female parts: I am a very-female male soul in a largely male body.

Here is how I self-describe at this stage of my growth:

"Brett was created as a gender complete person, one with a special and pleasant combination of male and female characteristics. While Brett is male, he can be thought of as an intensely transgendered person because of an unusually large amount of natural femininity, and because unnatural nurturing led him to suppress his natural masculinity. At times the intensity of this imbalance has led him to seriously consider a sex change. Yet God has helped him to remain as he is: a gender complete male, for the sake of those who depend on his form and role."

I had a crisis in this area about ten years ago. I had put myself on female hormones and I was headed towards sexual reassignment surgery. While I am confident that the God of the Bible (my God) does not have a problem with transitioning per se, for me to transition would have been to destroy my marriage: my wife married a man and my son needed a dad. So I (painfully) decided to remain as I am as long as my wife lived {she is chronically ill and I expect her to die before me}. Then months later, I decided to release my "right" to SRS because I could not see spending lots of God's resources on something that would make me feel good for at best a few decades {my body will die, but God will give me a new one in eternity}. Then about a year later, I gave God my "right" to female hormones and promised to remain as I am but insisted on an "appointment" to work this out when we meet face-to-face (at my death).

Ten years later, and I am in the midst of my "appointment." It was very unexpected and I was very afraid. I was afraid that God would want me to become comfortable in a male body, comfortable in my maleness, and that He would fix me by taking my femininity away from me {which to me is like murdering my soul, whereas changing my body is like changing clothing).

I am still in the appointment as I write, but he has done some wonderful things for me. Here is a tender note He "sent" me recently:

"Brett, I know your heart, every little bit of your being. You want to be female, and I tell you this: I will make you beautiful and graceful and congruent. You will be overjoyed with what I will make of you and it will satisfy what is deep most in your heart. This will be beyond what you can now imagine! You are my workmanship, my poem, and I will glorify myself in you."

I sensed in this that God was *not* promising me a female form in eternity (necessarily), just that I would be deeply satisfied with what He would do and that it would glorify Him (something very important to me).

I also have the strong sense that sex and gender as we know it here in time is just a shadow of what God intends for us when we enter His eternity through Jesus the Christ. Will my resurrection body be "male," "female," or something including but beyond these? Quite possibly. It is a promise that I am holding onto tightly and it helps me to live the remainder of my life here.

As hard as it has been, I have had to recognize that my childhood rapes and other abuse by males has taught me that my innate maleness is evil. Add that to the fact that I am very unusually feminine in soul and it is no wonder that I have loathed my male form (and have tried to destroy those male parts). Even so, I have significant reason to believe that my brain is organized along female lines for many reasons such as that I think like a female, write like one, my sexual responses and desires are *very* female (though I am gynephilic), I want to bear a child, and other things. These are so strong in me that I could *still* opt for a sex change *IF* such would not hurt those I love (my family & God), because I strongly believe that I would be better expressed in female form. (And *being* female is far more important than people seeing or accepting me as female!)

So where am I going with this? I do not fully know, but here is what I think God wants for me (not necessarily for any of you -- but for me): I am having this "appointment" now so that He can make me a person content with the male form that I am in *for now*, so He can resolve the painful male/female incongruity of my soul, so that I will be able to serve Him better here, and so that I can be sure that He will make everything right for me in eternity.

Here is something else He "said" to me recently:

"Brett, your body is *not* the maleness you hate; it is only doing what I have asked it to do for you. Let it keep you until that Day {the day I die and meet Him face-to-face}. You may love your body but hate what it represents for now if you must. I give you another command, in tenderness as I gave you the first: 'Love it anyway.'"

God has made me what I call "Gender Complete," and when you read about Jesus, you can see that He too has male and female qualities. He is the *complete* male and we are all female to His great maleness. Still, by having both male and female qualities (which both come from God because He created man, male and female He created them {see Genesis}), I am reflecting those things of God in ways that people who are mostly male or mostly female cannot. It is a blessing that allows me to serve others in ways that most males cannot without being a sexual or gender threat. In the world's language, I would be "transgendered," or "genderqueer," but these overlook the fact that my life is captive to God (by my choice, and His unmerited favor {to me} and His unconditional love {for me}).

As painful as all of this has been to me (and it still hurts to some degree), being Gender Complete in this God-imitation/reflecting sense is a privilege that I have no desire to abandon.

Take Care Everyone!

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 24, 2009 12:00 PM PDT Last edited by the author on Mar 27, 2009 8:14 AM PDT Brett Blatchley says:

There is a little biblical evidence to suggest that God doesn't want us playing games with gender distinctions (Duet. 22:5, 1 Cor. 11:14) (transvestite?); there is also evidence to suggest that people who go further, for non-trivial reasons, are no more worthy of demonization than anyone else (Mt. 19:12, Acts 8:34-39) (transgender/transsexual?).

Jesus acknowledges that some eunuchs are BORN that way, and He does not condemn the fact that some are MADE that way either (even those who make *themselves* that way): the concept of the eunuch is the closest that the Bible comes to addressing the transgendered.

For Christians, I sense it all boils down to this issue: God made man in His image; male and female He created them (Gen. 1:27) On the one hand some think this is such a foundational distinction that God would NEVER allow there to be any confusion, and to suggest otherwise is to make God fallible (which He isn't). The other view is that as important as the distinctions between the sexes are, they are every bit as subject to the fall of man and the curse of creation as everything else. And while God intends things to continue as He created them, He allows the curse to warp them. I'm convinced that the Biblical and empirical evidence favor the later view.

Does this help?

Posted on Mar 24, 2009 12:16 PM PDT Last edited by the author on Mar 24, 2009 12:31 PM PDT Brett Blatchley says:

I've extracted my (and related) comments and put them int top-to-bottom chronological order if anyone cares to read more of this:

http://handheldfriendly.net/notes/Transgender_Moment_Comments.html

Here is the original article.

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2008/february/25.54.html

To add to the prior post, here are some more scriptures that have really helped me with regard to where God may remake me (and others who accept His pardon in Christ) in eternity:

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. (1 Corinthians 13:12)

Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. (1 John 3:2)

Here's a longer passages that's worth reading:

But someone may ask, "How are the dead raised? With what kind of body will they come?" How foolish! What you sow does not come to life unless it dies. When you sow, you do not plant the body that will be, but just a seed, perhaps of wheat or of something else. But God gives it a body as he has determined, and to each kind of seed he gives its own body. All flesh is not the same: Men have one kind of flesh, animals have another, birds another and fish another. There are also heavenly bodies and there are earthly bodies; but the splendor of the heavenly bodies is one kind, and the splendor of the earthly bodies is another. The sun has one kind of splendor, the moon another and the stars another; and star differs from star in splendor. So will it be with the resurrection of the dead. The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable; it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power; it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body. If there is a natural body, there is also a spiritual body. So it is written: "The first man Adam became a living being"; the last Adam, a life-giving spirit. The spiritual did not come first, but the natural, and after that the spiritual. The first man was of the dust of the earth, the second man from heaven. As was the earthly man, so are those who are of the earth; and as is the man from heaven, so also are those who are of heaven. And just as we have borne the likeness of the earthly man, so shall we bear the likeness of the man from heaven. I declare to you, brothers, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed- in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. When the perishab e has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory." (1 Corinthians 15:35-54)

Hope these are helpful! :-)

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 26, 2009 8:47 AM PDT Last edited by the author on Mar 26, 2009 11:58 AM PDT Brett Blatchley says:

I'm TG myself, but God has worked in me and is helping me resolve the issue in a way that preserves my family, my witness for Him and my sanity.

Maybe this article "A Transgender Moment" published in Christianity Today would be helpful. I've added a number of constructive comments that you might find worth your time too:

A Transgender Moment
http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2008/february/25.54.html

I've extracted my (and related) comments and put them int top-to-bottom chronological order if anyone cares to read more of this:

http://handheldfriendly.net/notes/Transgender_Moment_Comments.html

Father, please be with Punkin's daughter in this difficult struggle. Please help her to discover that no matter what, she is Your adopted child no matter what form she is in now, nor what she might adopt in the future: Your love for her will not change. Please help her to understand that the form of her body and any changes she may make could easily make her path in life more difficult and *may* not help to remove the awful mismatch she feels inside between her gender and sex. You know I deeply understand this!! May she come to understand who she is as a person before she makes any permanent changes in her outside form. Father You know that I am convinced that You do not have a problem with our changing our bodies in this way per se, but that such changes may become sin if they cause us to break our covenants with others (as it would have if I had transitioned). Please help her to see this; but to know that even when we fall the hardest, You are waiting to forgive us and to help us become more like You in character. May she hear the call You have placed on her life to glorify You in all that she does! Father, I life-up Punkin and all those who love this struggling daughter of hers, please strengthen them for this difficult journey, which might take years to resolve. Please help them to love unconditionally, to relate in honesty, gentleness, and with Your wisdom in their hearts and upon their lips. It is often difficult Father, but You call us to "love them anyway," just as You love us *anyway*. Please put Your angels around this precious group of people and protect them from those who would tear them down. Father, I ask this of others here who may be in a similar situation. And I give You praise for Your healing work in my life too!

Posted on Mar 26, 2009 10:39 AM PDT Last edited by the author on Mar 26, 2009 10:47 AM PDT Brett Blatchley says:

This is interesting.

One of the reasons I suspect my brain is organized along female lines is that I seem to have a much larger corpus callosum than is typical of males. I've determined this indirectly by noticing the way I think and the things that are easy and difficult for me brainwise. The corpus callosum in the main communication buss between the left and right hemispheres of the brain. In males, large parts of this die-off in utero under hormonal influences and it leads to some of the sex differences in the way the two sexes *typically* think.

Also, our largest "sex organ" is our brain, and my sexuality, my responses and even aspects of my desires are female-like: my orgasms are much more like female ones, and the way I get there is female-like, and the fact that I can experience multiple ones is also female-like. Desires such as wanting to be the "receiver" (vs. "initiator") and the "pursued" (vs. the "pursuer"), even the "penetrated" (vs. "penetrator"). (I also have *male* responses and desires too just to make things more confusing!) Now, to make an odd thing even stranger: I am gynephilic, which means that I am sexually attracted to females. (Actually, even *this* is strange in me: I am ever and *only* attracted to my wife. No other man/women before her, and there will be none after her: I will become a-sexual if she dies first, and I will not remarry.)

I seem to remember my mom having been placed on hormones when she was carrying me, hormones that were later linked to sexual and gender identity issues in some kids decades later. (We *all* start-out as female in body, then XY genes trigger hormones (testosterone mainly) to differentiate the body from the female archetype to its male form. At times, this process does not work correctly and it's why we have intersexed people and why (I am convinced) we have some people pedisposed to sexual and gender identity issues.)

Of course, this could just be a coincidence for me, and I might be entirely wrong, AND I have **lots** of nurture issues that increase the contrast between my male and female sides.

When I am healed, in my life here, before eternity, I expect that I will be a "Gender Complete" male who's soul is on the feminine side of androgynous. Yet despite that description, you might be surprised to learn that I am not "effeminate" in the stereotypical way often associated with homosexual males. I seem to be blessed with some of the best qualities of both males and females: ie. I can be like an "avenging angel" when I need to defend another (and have often risked my life for others), I am *very* loyal and honor means a great deal to me, but I am gentle and nurturing, and graceful in words and movement as well. I like the outdoors, adventure and male companionship, yet I am fully at home with domestic things, activities, and I relate better and more easily with females.

Most of all, being blended in this way allows me avenues of ministry that are not available to other males: I can help males, females and couples through very delicate issues without being a threat to any of them. In a sense, it is almost as if I am a trusted eunuch.

Take Care Everyone!

Posted on Mar 26, 2009 12:22 PM PDT Last edited by the author on Mar 26, 2009 12:28 PM PDT Brett Blatchley says:

As a Christian, one who takes Jesus and the Bible seriously, I have to consider what my Lord says about the various topics of life.

I have formed my opinion based on a careful and prayerful search of the scriptures: I genuinely want to know what God has to say about my TG-makup and struggles, and I genuinely wish to obey -- not so that I will somehow "remain" Christian, rather so that I will *please* the one I love: Christ. If I had determined that being TG or even TS was considered wrong by God, then I would have had a clearer path to take in my struggle. As it was, I determined that *for me* transitioning would be problem because it would destroy my marriage relationship (among other things). So I am saying all of this to say that each Christian should prayerfully search the scriptures themselves and be willing to be open to what God's Spirit would say to them about the issue (this is Standard Operating Procedure for *all* aspects of our lives if we are His).

Now, someone has suggested that religion should play no part in transgender issues at all. To this I say that if "religion**" is not a part of your life, then yes, I would expect that this would not have any influence in relation to transgender issues. However, for many people, their faith *is* a serious part of their lives, and things large and small pass through the "filter" of their faith, and *should* do so if they take their faith at all seriously!

**"Religion:" Man's attempt to reach God. (True) Christianity is God reaching down to man to reconcile man to Himself -- the difference is vast: For example, Christians do not do good works to become (or stay) Christian, instead they do good works *because they ARE* Christian. Christianity is first and foremost a *relationship* with a God who wants our love and wants to meet with us on a one-on-one basis. Those who think Christianity is a set of "do's" and "don'ts" have not understood this crucial fact. God *is* holy and utterly morally perfect, yet we make a serious mistake if we avoid Him because we fall short of this perfection -- Christ came to earth and died for each of us so that a *perfectly just* God could extend *perfect love and mercy* to His fallen creation. His only requirement is that we admit that we need Him and accept the free gift of His pardon for our waywardness and rebellion. Once we do this, He breaths life into our dead spirits and starts the process of healing us and making our character like that of Jesus.

Is this helpful?

Posted on Mar 26, 2009 12:38 PM PDT Brett Blatchley says:

There are moral absolutes, truth, that transcends individual belief and the norms of any of our cultures. Some of these are etched within every (relatively) sane and (relatively) mature soul.

There are going to be some things that are true, right or wrong that *are* what they are regardless of what you want them to be. This is life, and it can be hard to accept. Especially if you've been taught that *everything* is somehow relative.

Now, while I have reason to believe that TG/TS issues are not in the category of the absolute, I am writing this post to caution you that your sweeping implication that there is *no absolute standard* is just as problematic as those who would elevate their personal opinions or cultural norms to the importance of God's eternal truth.

Is this helpful?

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 26, 2009 6:47 PM PDT Last edited by the author on Mar 26, 2009 6:50 PM PDT Brett Blatchley says:

I think you have mistaken the intent of my post.

I have written more than once (and provided scriptural references) to support my belief that the God of the Bible does not have a problem with TG/TS people transitioning to the sex of their gender.

I *did* say that it would be a problem in *my* instance because adopting the identity of a female would destroy my marriage by forcing my wife to be married to a woman (instead of the man she married). Because we could not do this and honor our God, we would need to dissolve the marriage, meaning that I would have to break a solemn covenant with God and my wife. Therefore, because I have people who depend upon my male form and role, it would be a sin for *me* to transition.

Is this clear now?

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 26, 2009 7:47 PM PDT Brett Blatchley says:

The commitment I speak of is my commitment to marriage. I committed before God and my wife to be her lifelong mate and to love her unconditionally like Jesus loves the Church.

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 26, 2009 8:13 PM PDT Last edited by the author on Mar 26, 2009 8:19 PM PDT Brett Blatchley says:

You have said that I said that the God of the Bible has no problem with my being TG/TS. Let me clarify that point:

I do not see anything in the Bible to lead me to think that God has a problem with TG/TS people in general, nor even with their desire to transition, in general. There is nothing in the Bible that addresses TG/TS people, the closest God's Word comes is to talk about eunuchs, which it does in a positive way. So, by this I *infer* that God has no problem with this. Beyond my search in scripture, I have ernestly prayed for God's wisdom and opinion about this and His Spirit testifies with mine that I am correct (HOWEVER, I should warn you that I stand on *scripture* rather than what I may *feel* God has said in my spirit. I could be wrong about this, but I don't think so.)

To your questions:

1. what do you think you are natually or are meant to be, in your heart of hearts?

At this point in my growth, I think I should have been expressed in a female form.

2. if you have the support of the word of god biblicaly and personally, then why would you not follow it when you feel *i assume* that it is who you are and the way you think you were or are meant to be?

Because there are *many* things more important than my feelings. It is important to me to keep my solemn promises. It is important to my wife, whom I love, to remain male for her sake {if nothing else, she is chronically ill and depends heavily on me}. It is also important that my son have a father. It is crucially important to my fellowship with God, whom I also love, to keep the promises I have made before Him and in His name.

Even if my wife were to die, I have decided against sexual reasignment surgery because that would cost a lot of money that really belongs to God (because *I* belong to God), and I do not think it would be a good way to spend His resources since my current body will die in a relatively short time anyway. Again, I have higher priorities than satisfying many of my inmost desires and feelings: as important as my gender identity is, it *must* take a lower priority than my solmen commitments to my family and God.

3. i think this one is important; is that what you want to do, heart of hearts?

I am a child of God, adopted into His family. I was paid for by the high cost of Jesus blood that was spilled for my pardon. My heart-of-hearts *knows* that my relationship with God is *real* and that He is more important than any of my needs or wants. He has promised to take care of my needs. He knows I have very urgent gender identity issues and He is working with me in this area. He has promised that He will make me beautiful, gracefull and congruent, that my deepest longings will be satisfied by Him when He clothes me with my eternal body. In my heart-of-hearts, I will trust that this is true, that God will make good on His promise (providing a satisfying eternal body is a promise He makes to *all* His adopted children). I trust God *SO* much that I am willing to deny myself the oportunity to try to change my form here in this life, knowing that it will be done *right* by the designer Himself, in my eternal life.

4. this is actually the most important, i think; Do You Trust Yourself?

I trust God (that is the true meaning behind the word: faith). Narcissus, there are occasions when I trust myself and occasions when I do not, but trusting God is the most important thing in a Christian's life.

I have come through a difficult journey of trust. Because I was severly abused as a child (not so much from my parents as by others), I found it very difficult to trust as an adult. God has brought me through a great many difficulties and at each point my trust in Him grew as I saw Him work from trial to trial. Now this does not mean that I always liked what He did, or that the process was painless. No! rather I saw Him working and I knew of His love from both His Word (the Bible), the love He gave me through other mature Christians, and by what He did in my own spirit by His Spirit in me.

Narcissus, I realize this is not "normal" by the world's standards, but Christians are *not* normal by those standards. We are called to live a life of supernatural faith in God, and as we walk day by day in the light of what He teaches us, we grow in trust, and when we trust Him, this enables Him to work greater and greater things in our lives by His power. The very power that raised Jesus from the dead.

Does this help?

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 26, 2009 8:17 PM PDT Brett Blatchley says:

"would you still want to be with your wife afterwords?"

Yes. But it would not be possible to remain in a marriage, or even a sexual relationship.

We would still love each other, and I would still support her and care for her needs (and that of my son), but I would no longer be in a spousal relationship with her.

Because my wife is the only person I have ever sexually desired, and will be the only one I so desire, I would not remarry, nor would I ever join in a sexual union with another person for the rest of my life.

Does this help?

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 26, 2009 8:37 PM PDT Brett Blatchley says:

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)

In many ways, I would rather have not been born this way -- born with my gender and sex mismatched -- it is *very* painful at times. However, God has used my problem and my special blend of male and female characteristics to help other people who are themselves suffering in various ways. So, now that God is healing me and redeeming these things that I did not want, I find that I now want these things in me if only because it enables me to join God in a special area of His redemptive work. Why would I want to do this even if it is painful? Because I want to do what I see my Heavenly "Daddy" doing; I want to imitate Christ because I love and admire Him, and because it is my life purpose to serve Him, to know Him and to enjoy Him forever!

Does this help?

Posted on Mar 26, 2009 8:48 PM PDT Last edited by the author on Mar 26, 2009 9:00 PM PDT Brett Blatchley says:

You wrote: "This is WHY transgendered people should grasp who they are before getting married. It is not fair to the spouse." And you are right as far as this goes, but for many late-onset TS people (myself included) I did not understand what was going-on enough to give my future wife fair-warning.

I knew there were strange things going-on with my gender throughout my life, but until I started working through my abuse issues, it was not *safe* for my gender stuff to "come out" (*even, and especially* to me, myself).

Now, this is not to justify any TS person who breaks a commitment to their spouse by transitioning. You know if you've read my other posts that I view one's commitment to marriage as being sacred, and I have underscored my point by remaining faithful to my own wife and son amid *great pain*.

I write this only to help you understand that many (maybe even most) TS people don't learn the full import of their gender issues until well after they have made lifelong commitments (such as marriage). Please do not take this post as any form of insult.

Take Care Punkin

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 26, 2009 8:57 PM PDT Last edited by the author on Mar 27, 2009 7:45 AM PDT Brett Blatchley says:

It is interesting that you should mention "oasis in a desert."

This is the *very* call that God has given to my wife, son and I: God said to us years ago in answer to prayer about how we should serve him by sending a stranger with this message:

"God spoke to me and told me to come over and speak a word to you. God has made you an *oasis of love in a desert*. He gave you a ministry of love for people who need to be loved. He said to my heart you aren't able to give right now in the way you think you should and want to give, but God is honoring your giving as you can and ministering where he wants you to minister. This one (indicating our toddler son, who nearly died many times) is going to bless others and minister in a mighty way. The hand of God is on him. The waters look uncertain and rough right now, but God is blessing you and others because of the difficulties. Just rest in the fact that you are in the ministry that God wants you to be in, giving and sharing love. Be encouraged that you are in God, and that He is going to do mighty things."

Take Care Narcissus!

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 26, 2009 9:16 PM PDT Last edited by the author on Mar 27, 2009 7:49 AM PDT Brett Blatchley says:

Re: St. Augustine.

This is an interesting point!

All I can say in reply are these two things:

1. Scripture denotes every Christain as a "saint" in numerous places. We are not "saints" because of what we do (or do not do), but simply because of what God has done for us. If "saint" connotes anything good, it is because God is outside of time and views us as we are after we have gone though our life and He has finally perfected us. Because God is outside of time (He created time), He can see the beginning from the end, *our* individual beginnings from our ends. This is how He can know what we will choose even though we have the freedom to make our own choices. (It is also the reason that *all* sins past, present and future have been paid-for once and for all by Jesus' self-sacrifice.) A "saint" is nothing more or less than a "child of God."

2. That the Church bestowed this title upon Augustine tells me that they overlooked the Biblical truth I pointed-out above. But, the people were starting to "add" traditions to the existing scriptural teaching, elevating their human ideas to the authority of scripture itself. But to your point, there exists *no* saint or Saint that has not fallen in one or more ways. Christians and non-Christians both act wayward and rebellious (sin). In the case of Christians, they are saints who happen to sin, and God (because they accepted His pardon) will correct them, and the problem (as bad as it may be) will be used by Him to make them more and more like Jesus in character -- this is part of God's "life-process" in believers (called "sanctification"). For non-believers, their sin is just one more injury that testifies to their need for pardon and redemption; for them this sends them further along the "death-process." SO, back to your question: why could Augustine be a Saint if he broke his commitments? Well I can only speculate that his contemporaries thought that on the whole Augustine was an unusually godly man despite some important mistakes. In the same way, God calls King David of Israel a "man after his own heart" even though David was an adulterer and murderer. Why? Because God knew that despite these horrible mistakes that David ultimately trusted God over anything else in the world, even himself. You see, we have a skewed sense of how right and wrong vary in degree. Here's what I mean: we think of murder as being horrible, but Jesus tells us in the scriptures that to be angry with a person and want to kill them in our heart is *just as bad* as actually doing the horrible deed. Now obviously the action has terrible consequences and the thought may not have any earthly consequences. BUT, God sees that the same damage has occurred on the level of one's soul and to Him, the two are equivalently bad and in need of forgiveness and the soul in need of redemption and remaking.

Does this help?

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 26, 2009 10:05 PM PDT Last edited by the author on Mar 26, 2009 10:08 PM PDT Brett Blatchley says:

Your position is *precisely* the position my own wife took under our real circumstances! I fully agreed and supported her in this: she was willing to support my decision to transition, but I had to be willing to support her need to dissolve the marriage and for exactly the reasons you cited.

As you can imagine it was a *terrible* strain on our marriage. Yet we have grown stronger because of it, and it enables us to minister to others in a special way.

I should also point out that my wife is also a "Gender Complete" person. She is on the male side of androgynous. We originally married because we believed God could use us better together than apart, then we loved each other. God knew before hand that we were both this special way. My wife went through her own struggle with her maleness and desire to be expressed in a male form years before we met. (It is also interesting that both of us were raped and have significant childhood abuse in our backgrounds.)

Anyway, I think I understand your position very well, and I support it.

Take Care Punkin!

Posted on Mar 26, 2009 10:22 PM PDT Last edited by the author on Mar 26, 2009 10:24 PM PDT Brett Blatchley says:

For what it is worth, I am attracted to people on the soul-level rather than at the gender or sexual level. For me a soul is a soul and I can love a soul without regard to the type of body it is clothed with. However, that is *just* me, and I don't expect anyone else to be like this. I know God's position on homosexuality, but I don't fully understand it in my heart, though I will obey it. It is for this reason that I *could* have lived with my wife and remained sexually united with her even after transition ***were it not for the fact that it would dishonor God and be unacceptable to my wife***. (But, as I have already pointed-out, my sexuality is **VERY** unusual for a male: I was never sexually attracted to anyone except my wife -- I never dated, I never viewed anyone as a potential mate, I never wanted to have sex with anyone. This was before my marriage, it is the way I am *in* my marriage, and it is the way I will be if my wife dies before I do.)

If people are just souls why would I want to be expressed in a different form? That's a very good question. Here's my own answer: I want to be "congruent," that is, I want my insides to match my outside. Put another way, I want to be unified in soul, body and spirit, and the fact that my gender and sex do not match is something that is painfully uncomfortable to live with. Very few people understand this because their gender matches their sex, so there is no incongruity to arise. For me, it is would be more important to be expressed as a female than for anyone to see me, know me, or accept me as a female. I simply want to *be* apart from impressing anyone. I want very much to be able to externalize what is internal.

Now, I can tolerate this incongruity in me because I trust that God is going to fully resolve this in eternity even as He gives me the grace to live with it in my present male body.

Does this help at all?

Posted on Mar 26, 2009 10:43 PM PDT Brett Blatchley says:

This does *not* mean that I would be interested in a sexual relationship with them, but it *does* mean that I could enter an intimate soul-to-soul emotional, intellectual and spiritual relationship with them. Since I am in a male form, this works out to mean that I can enter very intimate brother/sister and brother/brother relationships. It also means that I can be an intimate brother to a couple. In the case of males, they are comfortable with me and do not perceive me as homosexual. In the case of females, they do not consider me a potential mate and know that I feel the same way. For couples, they understand that I am a threat to neither of them for the aforementioned reasons. It allows me to minister in ways most males cannot.

In all of these I do not pose a threat because for me there is no gender/sexual attraction. (Let me illustrate this lack of attraction with these humorous examples: I have had prostitutes try to "come-on" to me and I have had numerous females confess to having a crush on me. In all these cases, I was totally oblivious to what was happening and my wife had to inform me about it at a later time, yet in each case I was able to develop intimate relationships that were far away from the erotic.)

Does this clarification help?

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 26, 2009 11:03 PM PDT Last edited by the author on Mar 26, 2009 11:16 PM PDT Brett Blatchley says:

"do you ever think that it is up to you to develop your body into a way that is harmonious(?) your spirit and soul, or the other way?"

Well, at one point I certainly did, especially when I was self-administering female hormones! In this case, I was trying to make my body conform to my soul (spirit is another thing, that I'll address below).

Even now I would like to take female hormones again (but I have promised not to -- though I may ask God to release me from that promise at some point). Nevertheless, I am externalizing some of what is inside me: my present appearance is quite androgynous, I am letting my hair grow long again (it had been to my waist ten years ago, and I used to braid it and put it up in a bun). I carry myself in a feminine way, and my movements are generally quite graceful.

So to answer part of your question, I have in the past and continue to presently change my external self to better match my internal self. However, I will only do this to a certain degree. My wife and I are working together to try to help me express my Gender Completeness in my hair and dress without becoming too uncomfortably feminine for her.

The other possibility that you mentioned was to change my soul (or spirit) to conform to my body. This I cannot imagine doing because it is tantamount to murder to me whereas changing my body is more like changing my clothes by comparison.

My spirit is another thing altogether. I used to think that our spirits were genderless, but I am coming to sense (and this is pure speculation on my part based on what I have read of scripture) that the spirits of Christians are female to God's Holy Spirit that comes to indwell believers when they first surrender their lives to Jesus. Here is why I say that: First, the Church (the universal group of all believers in Jesus worldwide) is called "The Bride of Christ" throughout scripture, and we generally take this to be an illustration of the degree of intimacy God wants with us because He compares His love for us by using human marriage as an example. However, I have the sense that this may be more literally true than we might imagine: when people become married, they become "one flesh," they are considered one person in God's reckoning (yes He still looks at us as individuals too, but we are also a single "being" in the context of our oneness in marriage) (BTW, this is one reason God is so against things like divorce, pre-marital sex, adultery and even homosexuality -- all of these work against this special union.) Second, when a person becomes a Christian, their spirit is made alive and the same physical body houses the spirit of the person AND the Spirit of God. Scripture actually says in many places that we are one-in-spirit with God. I have come to compare this union with the one-flesh union of marriage, and so it does not seem far-fetched to imagine that our spirits are female with respect to God's male Spirit (and God's spirit is referenced in the masculine in scripture by God's own choice). So, in one sense, I *may* already actually *be* female, in that I am female to God's male in our spiritual union. But please take this with a "grain-of-salt," because I could be wrong here, and even if I am somewhat right, I'm sure that reality goes far beyond what I have imagined. Still, it's worth considering...

Take Care!

Posted on Mar 26, 2009 11:31 PM PDT Last edited by the author on Mar 26, 2009 11:36 PM PDT Brett Blatchley says:

"Sorry, but that is complete and utter nonsense to think that people would "just marry anyone regardless of their gender"... Who does that now? Marriages (except for those done for other purposes -- money, immigration, etc) based upon romantic love have a great deal to do with the sexual/romantic aspect of the two persons involved, attraction to one another, etc. Ignoring that is unreasonable."

I'm not sure that I completely agree with this. It is certainly true for *most* people, but not for all. I believe that Narcissus is considering people at the level of their souls which is pretty abstract and *most* people don't live there. But I for one *do* live there (though I am married to a soul clothed in a female form and I myself am clothed in male form). To underscore this, my wife knows that I would prefer to be expressed in female form in eternity, and that if I am granted that desire, she wants to be expressed in male form so that we will remain complementary with respect to each other {though we both know that marriage will not exist in eternity, but we can still be soul-mates}. So Narcissus is merely claiming that *one* important reason for marriage is to accommodate the desire for a soul-mate. If one is permitted marriage solely on the basis of a platonic sort of love, then this point has a degree of legitimacy.

I think that Narcissus is trying to make the point that love transcends our gender and sexual status, and in a very real sense, I think this is correct. You need look no further than the scripture I alluded to above -- there will be no marriage in Heaven, yet love will exist and will be far more pure and "powerful" than any example we see here on earth between humans.

For what it's worth...

Take Care!

Posted on Mar 26, 2009 11:47 PM PDT Last edited by the author on Mar 26, 2009 11:54 PM PDT Brett Blatchley says:

Yes, there is *great* love there {between my wife and I} even if sometimes we don't *like* each other! :-)

Some people say that marriage is a 50%/50% arrangement, meaning that each partner contributes equally.

Well, we have found that to be successful we must be in 100%/100% arrangement. That is, at any given time, one partner or the other will need to contribute more than 50% because the other partner will not be able to for any of many possible reasons. If each partner is willing to give *everything* then the relationship can survive those times that all marriages face where one partner can only contribute a little. In real marriages with relatively selfless partners, this will ebb and flow between them: now one giving more, now the other.

But for Christians (though most do not recognize this, alas), their relationships are truly 100%/100%/200% where I give 100%, my wife gives 100% and God gives us 200%. Why? because sometimes things get so difficult, like when I was going though my TS-crisis, or when my wife was on chemotherapy, neither of us were able to give each other much -- that's when God steps-in and makes up the difference for both of us and brings us to 100%. Truly, God is the glue that binds my wife and I together, though we love each other deeply, and we invite Him into all areas of our life, even into our marriage bed (which may *seem* blasphemous to some of our fellow Christians).

Take Care!

Posted on Mar 26, 2009 11:57 PM PDT Brett Blatchley says:

Take Care Everyone!

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 27, 2009 12:17 AM PDT Last edited by the author on Mar 27, 2009 12:39 AM PDT Brett Blatchley says:

My wife and I are simply Christians; we are not bound to any particular sect:

We recognize that our brothers and sisters in Christ are found wherever there are those who have accepted Jesus as their God, their Savior and their Lord:

God, because He is the creator of all and one together with the Father and Spirit. Savior because He gave Himself as payment for the sins of everyone, and we have accepted the pardon He provides for us. Lord, because He has purchased us with His own blood and we are "owned" by Him and are bound to Him with bonds of mutual love. Jesus said in scripture that the "work of God" is for us to simply believe these truths and trust our lives with their implications.

For all who believe this way, we are their brother and sister, and we are members of the "Body of Christ." We all adhere to the Father, Son and Spirit as described by God's Word, the Bible.

My wife and I have been blessed to worship and grow with many groups of believers in various places. Most have their own flavors of worship and their own favorite doctrines that they like to emphasis, but what all we have in common is Jesus: crucified for our sins, and risen from the dead and seated at the right of His Father together with God the Spirit, and we all share newness of life in Him and we all share His Spirit within us because we accepted Him and His free gift of pardon.

Does this help?

It's well past my bed-time: Good Night Everyone!

Father, thank *You* for allowing me the privilege of sharing what You have done in my life and in the life of my family. You truly are the glue that binds us together and You have given them patience and love for me even when it was very difficult to love me or understand me in the middle of my TS-crisis of ten years ago and my further healing that is occurring presently. Father, You are *so good* to us! We do not deserve You! Yet Your grace --unmerited favor-- abounds to us! Father, I ask that You would bless the words that I have written that will glorify You and edify others, and that You would minimize to forgetfulness those words of mine that do not build up my fellow posters. May You receive the glory in these posts! Father, I lift-up all those who are experiencing TG/TS issues themselves, and also those who love them; we are dealing with very delicate issues and I pray that we would work with each other with tenderness, mercy, and Your wisdom and understanding. There are parts of this that are very difficult to understand and we need You guidance to apply the principles You have outlined in Your Word. We want to obey You out of our deep love for You! We want to manifest Your loving-kindness and administer Your truth in ways the build-up and not tear-down. We especially need Your Spirit to guide us in this because we are *so* fallible! Dear Father, please glorify Yourself in us!

In reply to an earlier post on Mar 27, 2009 8:56 AM PDT Brett Blatchley says:

Take Care!

Here are some very recent and crucial developments

These are selected emails from a three month long correspondance where I am helping a sister in Christ (in Australia) to minister to a non-Christian transsexual friend (a conversation full of God's extravagant grace for *many* people).

This conversation was supernaturally ordained we know because of the unusual set of circumstances set into motion years before either of us were considering this topic, that enabled Janet to find me (as a resource to help her with the transsexual person above). From the very onset, we were both convinced that God had to have arranged this meeting.

As it happens, God is using this correspondence to minister to me as well. Judi and Janet's husband Andrew are included in this conversation, but have chosen not to participate directly. (For the most part, I have considered Judi to be enmeshed too-closely in the issue to be able to minister effectively to me for much of this recent part of my healing; Andrew is not interested in his wife's ministry.) (Though Judi is usually not directly involved here, God has spoken Word of Knowledge through her on many occasions in this process, and God has also asked her (directly) to not interfere with this part of my journey/process with Him.)

It is also important to understand that Judi and I both have intimate friendships with people of both sexes and neither of us are uncomfortable with this as we trust each other's mutual love and fidelity, these conversations generally involve ministry in one or both directions, and both of us are able to form intimate relationships with people that do not endanger our relationship (which is one way we are both gifted, and this seems to be related to our "Gender Completness") (You may have already read other reasons (above) why such relationships are not dangerous for me or my relationship with Judi.)

Of Maleness and Scouting Sun, Mon, March 23, 2009 21:50, sent by Brett Blatchley

I had written this as an aside to one of your responses, but then it got a bit large. It speaks of some new masculinity "developments" and some old re-discovered ones:

Re: An aside to my "male" prayer for Andrew...

Josh and I went to the book store the other day so he could choose a new book, and for grins I went to the Christian section and happened to look at a book with the dubious title: "The Man Whisperer." I couldn't put it down, and ended-up buying it (not a light decision)! The book is written to women to help them encourage the best in the men that they love. What struck me was the author's description of masculinity (and the fairly gender neutral way he expressed it -- much less "rah-rah" than WAH). I was absolutely amazed that much of what the author considered authentic masculinity were some of my best characteristics (<FLINCH!>). Moreover, I could see some areas where I need improvement, and I *WANT* to improve those areas! I want to *be* those things too! Where the bad qualities were listed, I did not have big problems there (mostly). Interesting, "feminization" was considered a "bad" quality (for males), yet the way I am feminine does not fit the author's definition mostly: I am decisive where things related to my core values are concerned {flexible otherwise}, and I am not a "needy" person (generally). Anyway, (None of this took away anything from my femininity either! <SHOCK!!!> {A couple other books made people like me sound like pathologically immature!}) Now, I haven't read through the whole book, and I might not (yet).

http://www.amazon.com/Man-Whisperer-Speaking-Language-Bring/dp/0800731972

Here's something else: I'm starting to see some of WAH in me too. I do love exploring, maps (yes, I read them for fun and I'm constantly comparing my terrain with maps mental and otherwise), adventure. Yes, I also love domestic stuff too:

When I go camping, I normally wear various tools, a coffee cup (yes, I wear one!), fire-making stuff, and other things -- I'm a Boy Scout: Be Prepared! Well, I've started wearing my large folding knife again after some years. Janet, to look inside my soul, you would have thought that I donned a pair of WAH's I-am-dangerous-six-shooters!!! Keeping that simple tool on my person was enough to remind me--consciously--of things I already knew and did unconsciously (and would not have attributed to maleness). This may sound *really* silly, but I feel as though I am now *ready* and I am once-again "dangerous" if I need to be. (And I *have* needed to *be* this way many times in my life; many times I have faced death for other people. Generally speaking, I am *very* protective of others, and I am often a "first responder" {to accidents}) Does this all sound "ridiculously-macho???"

I am a very-female male soul, the the good male is very much there too. (Of course this needs to make it down into my heart too, but I suppose this is a *start*.)

This is ***so strange***: I am both male and female, but when I'm integrated, I seem very different from either: GCG.

Father, this is so strange! <Even So TG/TS>.

(Boy) Scouting was a *very* important thing for me growing up. My mom spent much more time helping me achieve here than dad. (I eventually became an Eagle Scout, the highest rank which only 2% of Scouts achieve.)

"On my honor, I will do my best, to do my duty to God and my country, to obey the Scout Law, to help other people at all times, to keep myself physically strong, mentally awake and morally straight." (Scout Oath)

"A Scout is: trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent." (Scout Law)

"Be Prepared" (Scout Motto)

Janet, I can't describe just *how important* these things are too me!!! I knew of these before I came to Jesus and they were *hugely*, **powerfully** important to me and I took them very seriously as a child, adolescent and now adult. But, I never came to associate them with maleness. (Perhaps they are not, they are characteristics worthy of anyone.)

Could these have become "gender neutral" because my mom helped guided me here? (Along with the "evil male" meme, perhaps.)

I remember reading in my "Boy's Life" magazine, there was always a section called "Scouts in Action!" that would relate an actual act of exceptional courage or thoughtfulness on the part of a Scout. One that is etched indelibly in my mind is that of boy who saved his toddler brother from severe scaulding by taking a large container of the (toddler overturned) boiling liquid upon his own back as he shielded his little brother from injury. <tears> (Many years later a scalding radiator exploded upon my dad and I dragged him away and poured gallons of cold water on him to neutralize the glycol; his face and head were severely burned; the doctor said I probably saved his life.)

I remember a fierce storm when we arrived back at the boat mooring. In the slashing wind and rain I went on deck to snag the mooring buoy and secure the boat to the mooring-line; I was about thirteen. As dad and I were securing the boat, the dingy (rowboat) got loose and rapidly blew away from the boat. Over the wind, I yelled to dad that I would get it, so I stripped and swam after it about 100 yards before catching up to it. Very big waves and and wind for a little kid before his growth-spurt. When I caught it, I rowed back to the boat, got my mom and my twin brother and sister and rowed them to shore (we almost capsized several times). Safely ashore, I went back for dad; and he *let* me row him ashore too. (Five years earlier, when I was **deathly afraid** of the water, in his frustration over my fear, he put me in a life-jacket and *threw me overboard* (the boat, that is, and with GREAT difficulty, as I fought for my LIFE!) I thought I would die <abject terror!>; he retrieved me with a boat-hook.)

In the middle of my TS-crisis, I remember spotting a panel truck in the opposite lane of (city) traffic that was afire. The driver didn't realize it, so I u-turned and stopped my car in front of her. When she realized the problem she started to unload her quadriplegic brother. The fire was near the gas tank and was growing. Someone came walking with a fire extinguisher, I grabbed it and dove under truck to the fire (braided hair, shaved-arms, mehndi and all), praying "if this is my time, Father, please keep Judi and Josh and make my aim sure!" I was very careful to aim and shoot the fire in small bursts so to be sure to put-it-out since I only had one fire extinguisher and the fire was right next to the gas tank. I had it out by the time the firemen arrived on the scene, so I briefed one of them and left. Later when I told Pam (with Judi in the session) they were both appalled that I would take the risk. (I was afraid the driver and her brother would not be able to get away and there were people gathering around.)

And there are many others (I should have died a lot of times, and almost no people know of these in connection with me)...

I know that early Scouting story influenced me in these, so also the idea that I was/am expendable and if I died it was not very important. If I was to die, I wanted it to be for someone else.

(I don't know why I'm telling you this. It's more fodder for the Bema-bonfire.)

There would be brief fear before each time where I was afraid I would not follow-through. I would pray and detach my emotions and abandon my hold on life. Maybe it's just my *death wish*. {more reason for the Bema-bonfire}.

Doing such things never brought me joy or even satisfaction, only feelings that I should be like this *always*, so it was "about time I did something useful!"

Anyway, honor and self-sacrifice seem to be woven into my being somehow, and if courage or bravery are there it is because they are *so* afraid of my natural timidity and my fear that I will not be up to the "test." And if God was/is not pleased somehow, then at least some lives were likely changed.

Please pray for me Janet. I feel *very* small right now for some reason.

Love,

Brett

Re: Of Maleness and Scouting Tue, March 24, 2009 07:51, sent by Janet [Redacted]

This is ALL so wonderful (understatement of gargantuan proportions). Also, this won't be particularly coherent. I am over-tired, and on a higher medication dose which has been making me stupid and dissociated all day.

I first read this VERY briefly in between work visits this afternoon. I cried, quite a lot, with happiness. It was rather hard to take a deep breath, dust myself off (no-one to tell, except God! He already knew!), and go back to work....I felt like having a MUCH longer happy cry. I knew this particular email was coming one day; don't ask me how. If I weren't a Christian, you'd say it was a premonition from some time very early on when I was first writing to you.

I just *knew* this was in you - I *knew* (I really did know) this was what you were like. When I re-read WAH after I recommended it to you, this is the feeling I had, almost on your behalf..."Brett is going to realize this about himself; he is going to remember". (I actually thought - "he is going to remember these things about himself" - ???)

I know this sounds really silly. I didn't know the details, but you gave me some hints. I'm not that intuitive (as you know). (But all those things I said I picked up in your writing which made me feel there was something masculine, yet I couldn't really prove them - well, maybe they were actually there! I suddenly feel slightly more confident!)

However, I think the reason I cried was because really, deep down, I knew I couldn't have entirely known what was coming from what you had told me - any more than you could have. It was God - he organised the friendship, he gave us the confidence to break some new ground, and he let me see some things that were going to happen. You will be able to understand how incredibly encouraging this is to me (the one who *always* doubts that anything she does could possibly be heard aright or followed through correctly!) No wonder I cried. Reading your email was like having the best dream, then waking up and living it the next day! There aren't really any other people I can share this with - I was so sad I couldn't even tell Andrew (work is very stressful right now, and he would have had trouble even feigning tolerance, let alone interest, and he knows none of the history so it would have been too long a story).

ANYWAY, it's not about me, that was just my reaction, but I knew it would make you happy :-)

(And I had even thought/prayed - "God, if WAH is not the right book - there must be others - Brett must find them somehow, I don't know what they are or where they are, this is the only one I know about....help him find one please!") Rick Johnson has written lots of books on masculinity/men/fathers/sons/ etc it seems (I just looked on Amazon), though I've never heard of him (obviously God has!!!)

It is all lovely, it's not Bema-bonfire stuff you big dingbat, it's mosaic patterns - you're just not used to them. And yes, they can sit in there quite happily with the <Even So TG/TS>. Peaceful co-existence!

Does it make you feel better or worse (or no different) if I say that even as a very tough and stoic girl/woman, the apple of her father's eye, I know I would NOT have been up to these things? (That is, there is something innately braver about males?) (I am just acknowledging that the qualities you are describing are genuinely male qualities not just "any decent human" qualities").

I must, sadly, go to bed now as it has been a huge day, and we have another tomorrow. We started procedures for a very complicated and completely new trial today (the cat trial which wasn't aborted) and it took much longer than expected, then we had field trial visits afterwards. So we ran late all day. We are exhausted (it was all I could do to not lie down at swimming club this evening!)

Oh, it is not my birthday today - it's on Thursday (26th). But thank you for the greetings anyway! (See! There's still time to buy a cheap phone card and sing happy birthday!)

Can you cope if I send your Boy Scout email to Cheryl? It will make her very happy (I haven't forwarded her anything in ages - she needs some excitement in her life...and it is so encouraging).

OH - yes - send me the tips for Tess, they'll be her first - there is NO TIPPING over here! (THANK GOD!!! We have a minimum wage....and we live in fear of the habit catching on!)

Much love,
Will write more when there is time...
Me.

PS It is very important to wear a coffee cup. You never know when it will be your last cuppa....

Re: Please, what do you think of this? Mon, April 6, 2009 08:13, sent by Janet [Redacted]

Dear Brett,

  >>You are so kind.  >>

  >>>
  > You have no reason to think that redeemed XY genes produce anything that
  > resembles unredeemed XY genes, or even that you won't like them, or even
  > that you'll prefer them to redeemed XX genes! You just don't KNOW!
  <<<

  Wow, I really had not thought of it quite like this, and *so* forcefully.>>>

  >>>Seems like I read somewhere that scientists have noted a large portion of
  our DNA does not seem to "do anything" that they can detect. They wonder
  if it's just "junk" DNA with no purpose. Hmmm, could this contain
  information our new bodies will need???<<<<

  >>>Were you saying above I might prefer redeemed XY genes to redeemed XX ones?<<<

  >>>Interesting about the word "incongruency:" Judi very much thinks that
  there is *no* incongruency in me because she thinks that I am a perfect
  mix of male body with male and female characteristics.<<<

  >>> To her feeling
  "incongruent" seems to be denying God's perfection in me. For me,
  incongruity is simply feeling an uncomfortable mismatch between my sex and
  gender. Even if I accept that I am as God intended, there is still the
  feeling of incongruity. HOWEVER, you raised the idea that what I'm really
  experiencing is a "soul incongruity," and that He will resolve the
  perception of "sex/gender mismatch" in my soul. (To me, that does seem
  "doable" this side of eternity, but I'm not sure what He will do here.
  Maybe getting rid of the bad side of <Even So TG/TS>.??) Somehow He will do
  this, but I do not see how at present. <<<<

I am NOT saying you are like Andrew!!!!!

But I know you don't what to be agonizing over this - you do want a measure of peace (that's what the message said!)

Go on, Lord, we are patient and this must happen at your pace, but we expect it to HAPPEN.

  >>>
  > I will never get tired of saying these things...
  <<<

  Thank you!!! (because I need it! )>>>

  Re: Grits

  I'll have to send you a sample sometime!

  >>>Re: Forgiving myself

  Yes, please, I look forward to this, because I still do not fully understand.>>>

  Re: VERY abnormal behavior

  >>>
  Janet, your wise words *are* helping. When I wrote that I did not think a
  human could change my mind, I was thinking of how long I was
  thrashing-about with some of the very bad things in my thoughts, things
  that took years to bring to the resolution they have today. Because God
  has brought me where I am, it is much more likely that human words will
  actually help me change because I am willing to accept them and take them
  in, maybe not immediately, but soon afterward. So, my comment was
  pessimistic, especially in light of where I've gone and the commitments
  I've made in the last months. So, please be encouraged, I am (Father,
  please help me to make my confession here a positive one that becomes a
  good, self-fulfilling prophesy!)>>>

  >>>
  Re: Seeing myself from outside

  >>>
  > The fact that you are able to realize that these things are at least
  > reasonable observations for an outsider (or friend) to make are
  > comforting to me. I think you're QUITE sane! I think you are doing VERY
  > well, considering (says she who has absolutely no experience of these
  > things, but who cares...).
  <<<

  Wow, thank *you* -- it is a relief that someone who has seen so much of
  what I thought to be infectious and toxic (to others as well as myself)
  can see me this way. Thank you that I seem sane to you {you know what
  *that* means to me!!!}. >>>

  >>>
  > Well, also, if you were in any way "creating" all this for some
  > sort of effect; if there was the faintest element of loopiness in these,
  > I would have picked up on it by now, I am sure. I don't know if that is
  > of the slightest comfort to you.
  <<<

  **This*** is one of the most important reasons I have been so open and
  honest because I thought that surely those details, and the pattern(s)
  they form, would betray me or validate me!!! *I* cannot see them with an
  unbiased perspective. I have one vote "for" and one "against" in my split
  awareness, and the two cancel each other out, so I have no sense that I am
  a *real* person that I can trust (this was much *MUCH* worse before Pam).

  This is of *GREAT* comfort to me and I cried when I read it: it's like a
  tie-breaking vote has been cast, one where I'm voted into existence as a
  *real* person and not an evil phony pretending to be "good." >>>

You are NOT one of these people. In fact, you are so far up the other end of the spectrum you are almost off the scale. You are VERY real and I have to hurry up here as it's late....or I would say more (fill in the blanks with all the adjectives you'd like, Brett, they'll ALL be true!)

  >>>
  > I know you already know that!
  <<<

  No Janet, I couldn't know this: I would *not permit myself to know this!
  To try was sure proof to me that I was simply trying to hide my evilness
  under a false "goodness." It is why I saw myself as infectious to others,
  it is why I should die before I hurt more people.>>>

Well, permit it now, please. I will keep saying this for as long as it takes...

  >>>
  > You are a very real person, Brett.
  <<<

  Thank *you*, thank you, thank you, thank you! 

  How can you tell? 

  Sorry, Judi runs into the same problem: "so-and-so said you're a very
  <some-wonderful-quality> person today." "Oh? How can they say that? They
  don't really know me?">>>

Either I know you or I don't. You decide, we'll go from there!
If I do, then it's very easy to tell if you're real or not (unless I have NO powers of discernment, and you can tell me if I'm the sort of person who is has reasonable abilities in this area from your observations of me and Tessa etc etc so far...even allowing for me being "S" not "N"...

OR If I don't, then it's about time you started revealing your real self to me.... :-)

  >>>
  > at least
  > be secure that the current reality is who you are in Christ! (because
  > only he could have created such coherency out of what is still to you
  > such seeming internal confusion).
  <<<

  I'm sorry, I simply don't see this coherency. I don't see the "current
  reality," except that I am clinging to my identity as His adopted child.
  (Please forgive me for being *so obtuse*!!!) >>>

  >>>
  > What is stopping you seeing what is actually already there?
  <<<

  I'm not sure. The only answer that comes to mind is that it does not feel
  **safe** yet. This may be another place where I just have to abandon
  myself to trust that *I am hearing what He wants me to hear* and that it's
  OK/safe to allow myself to embrace these. I *can* see these things if I if
  I view myself outside myself. I'm not *there* yet, and I don't quite know
  what will get me there either. Maybe hearing it again...and letting it
  soak-in...and allowing myself to cry about it. Maybe I need to stay
  outside myself for a while?>>>

  >>Yes, there is a *lot* going on here; I'm very strange and complicated. It
  is amazing that you bother with all this and genuinely care! :-) >>>

  >>>That's a relief! I suspect *many* in the Church would have a problem with
  this (Judi's spiritual gift of Word of Knowledge). (Though they shouldn't, 
  it's perfectly Biblical!)

  Judi had this before we were married, but God has used it to good purpose
  within our marriage!<<<

Yes, completely.

Andrew has always deeply resented anything like this from me, With good reason due to something that happened when we were engaged (you have no idea...I'll tell you sometime...we had such a tumultuous time, it's a wonder we survived!)

And probably vice versa (I take advice badly in general!) Am very, very gradually getting better.

Joanna just arrived home for 2 days! Unexpectedly - just rang a few hours ago to say she was staying at Binga!!!

  >>>No, it's *still* in His hands. If He could give Abraham and Sarah a Isaac,
  then He can do that for us again too. We don't know His purpose here;
  we've conceived several other times, but none survived beyond the first
  few weeks. I think we would have still been open to other children if they
  had survived; it has never been a question of desire, only of logistics,
  and He has *always* made the way for them to be with us. (Judi's foster
  parents were like that too! After I proposed to Judi, I had to get past
  Roy too! {After I asked Judi's bio-dad: Bill} He and his wife Louise are
  ***VERY*** godly people and **VERY** down-to-earth and humble too: they
  fostered 20+ kids over the years (and they say Judi was their most
  successful one -- she has a special place in their heart).>>>

  >>>HA!!! Well then, in honor of you Janet, I am going to start calling this
  "peanut paste!" I have ***NEVER*** heard anyone call it this here in the
  'States, SO, when you start hearing people over here calling it that, *you
  will know* that it originated with ***YOU*** because I'm going to "spread"
  it around to everyone I know!!! (pun intended!)!!! :-) :-)  >>>

> Dear Brett,
>
> I'm here, I'm supposed to be working (so much I hardly know where to
> start, so why start, as usual I would rather do other things and it has
> occurred to me that God gave women MORE THAN ONE CURSE). I am going to do
> something difficult in the report to make myself feel less guilty (!) then
> get back to you (if you are around). I hope you are having a good evening,
> and I feel quite a deal of anguish over your last email (as you would
> expect...)
>

>>>
> Slightly gutless of me to not say it on msn, but I hadn't
> thought it through and I anticipate that it might be painful (don't want
> to make it worse than it is). Also, some things are better not done in the
> middle of the night before what might be a good night's sleep! Less
> difficulty now that the situation is resolved, blissfully without my
> direct involvement.
<<<

>>>
> And why say anything at all, considering all is now
> OBG? Well, because this sort of thing will come up again (and it may be
> that the situation will be reversed, with me asking to be accountable to
> you - in fact that is pretty much what happened the week before last). And
> because I think your level of commitment to our friendship deserves a
> response. It is easier for me to go "how wonderful" and say nothing,
> especially since you probably know what I would say. I still think I
> should say it. And if you don't agree, I expect you to tell me that too!
<<<

>>>
> (Such fun, these naked personalities) :-)
<<<

>>>
> My heart sank when I got your email. It was more than an "oh no" feeling.
> Not because there is anything intrinsically awful about the hormones -
> there isn't. They are neither here nor there in the scheme of things; God
> will love you with or without female hormones (and so will I). Maybe one
> more thing for the bonfire? Who knows. Even the small cost is really
> irrelevant. It's a red herring, though if it helps you bind your desires,
> it's a very useful little fish.
> It was more that:
<<<

>>>
> - I was absolutely sure she wouldn't like it (she didn't, though I can't
> really understand how she agreed to it - except that she knows how much
> pain you are in, and quite possibly I would have done the same thing,
> well, I *was* going to say if I had had the opportunity to reply - IF you
> HAVE to, I understand, but I will do everything I can to help you NOT to
> have to...so that amounts to the same thing maybe as Judi said?)
<<<

>>>
> - it was possibly? out of character for you to have not told me about this
> sooner (or to have apparently considered not telling me about it at all;
> "I have wasted your time"). Though I do understand it was a gradual,
> ongoing thing (that came more like a bolt from the blue to me).
<<<

>>>
> That's NOT
> a chastisement (I am NOT sitting here expecting that you have some sort of
> obligation to report to me the second something changes, and you know
> that!), just an observation of the nature of an internal struggle which
> was very unpleasant/unwelcome or something for you, because you have been
> so incredibly open with me. You can give me your opinion on this one.
<<<

>>>
> - One minute we are talking male HRT and male mosaic characteristics and
> boy scout emails and men's retreats ("Frederick here! Oh joy! Oh rapture!
> Summon your men and effect their capture!"  - I have Pirates lyrics going
> round and round in my head after 7 performances, and that one fits
> perfectly!), and the next this. And yes, I KNOW HOW IT IS Brett! I really,
> REALLY do (as much as any *non*-<Even So TG/TS> person possibly can). And
> it is that reason that I HAVE a more than "Oh no" feeling, and put my head
> in my hands and feel the same pain you are feeling.
<<<

>>>
> OK, I have just spent ages writing and then deleting about 3 paragraphs
> (DIFFERENT paragraphs saying different things, but with some common
> threads). Obviously, there is something I am incapable of communicating
> tonight (or God doesn't want me to communicate). I don't think it's that I
> am scared to be that honest with you! (it was stuff that was going to
> reflect badly on me not you - nothing for YOU to worry about!)
<<<

>>>
> I shall summarize and conclude and see if he lets me get away with it this
> time round: 1) I don't know if it's right that I care so much about how
> what you are going through, but I do (and God knows that I want my
> intentions to align with his!), and 2) you are a wonderful friend, and 3)
> your photos look somehow different to me now that I know you better; both
> very graceful/elegant and strong, both genders well-integrated, I think. I
> don't know why I thought you looked ill at ease originally (it was
> probably more projection of my feelings than anything).  I still think
> your face is VERY kind.
> I am tossing these thoughts out there in case anything resonates...I just
> tell you everything...wheat and chaff. Am tempted to hit delete again.
> Yep, more deleting. Oh well. I don't tell you EVERYTHING obviously...
<<<

>>>
> (Now I am starting to sound like a teenager).
<<<

>>>
> Something tells me I should have stopped this email one paragraph ago. But
> I will leave the last paragraph there just to show you that I too have
> crises of ?? (don't even know what that was).
<<<

>>>
> Better go check the puppies.
<<<

>>>
> I hope you had a good sleep once that idiot in Australia finally let you
> get to bed!
<<<

  Rushing wind blow through this temple,
  Blowing out the dust within,
  Come and breathe your breath upon me,
  I've been born again.

  Holy Spirit, I surrender, take me where you want to go,
  Plant me by your living water,
  Plant me deep so I can grow.

  Separate me from this world Lord.
  Sanctify my life for you.
  Daily change me to your image,
  Help me bear good fruit.

  Every day you're drawing closer.
  Trials come to test my faith.
  But when all is said and done Lord,
  You know, it was worth the wait.

>>>
> Brett, Son of the Most High, and His Beloved!
<<<

>>>
> Well, I didn't see this one coming.
<<<

>>>
> I am sorry (so sorry) I was at work all day and not here to answer this
> more promptly. I didn't get home till 3.20pm, then had to dash straight
> out (without any lunch) to Sarah's orthotic appt. I didn't get to read it
> till 5.20pm...too late to contact you. I really wanted to.
<<<

>>>
> I am praying, Joanna is praying, Cheryl is praying. None of us fully
> understand how hard this is for you, but we all understand it IS
> incredibly hard,
<<<

>>>
> and we are in awe of your commitment, bravery and how
> prepared you are to honour Him in this. You can resist the compliment if
> you like, but it's not actually a compliment - more a statement of simple
> fact. We are.  Joanna and Cheryl know less detail than I do, but they
> certainly know enough to gasp when I told them. They are happy - but they
> know what this means for you. You are not on your own.
<<<

>>>
> Brett, you know if I could somehow make this easier I would do anything. I
> feel so powerless stuck over here (even though I pray, and even though the
> amount I feel for you must count for something! - if only you could
> believe I feel it! I don't think you have any idea...)
<<<

>>>
> I almost dreaded
> this option (you would surely have noticed I never suggested it outright,
> though I never ruled out that He would ask it of you).
<<<

>>>
> Cheryl said
> something like remember to take it easy; don't rush headlong thinking you
> must make huge bounds; for right now it is only a simple abandonment to
> Him and His love (relax and let Him have His way with you) - that is all.
> There will be other things to follow, but that is not for worrying about
> right now. And I'll add: Each day has enough worries of its own. Today is
> letting go of ONE thing (ONE thing). Today is all you need to think about.
<<<

>>>
> On the brighter side, for every struggle, there is the victory for those
> of us who have Christ (NO-ONE LOSES!) - you WILL have this ministry he has
> promised you, you WILL be better off after this, you WILL be SO glad you
> did it, and you WON'T have lost an important part of you - in fact, you
> WILL discover parts of you that you never knew you had!
<<<

>>>
> And everyone you
> know WILL be blessed by all of this too! (including me, I expect).
<<<

>>>
> And
> Brett - the continuity WILL still be there you know!!! (I expect the same
> number of exclamation marks, maybe even more!!!)
>>>

>>>
> Father, you know (you have heard and remembered) all the prayers that we
> and others (people we don't even know about!) have prayed for Brett over
> the years which have led to this point. You knew him even in his mother's
> womb! You had all this planned out for him! Good plans, his salvation, and
> all these stuggles were foreseen and dealt with and resolved before he
> even drew breath. There is no thought we have attempted to analyse that is
> elusive to you! And not only that, you have chosen him for a special part
> in your creation - for the privilege of being part of your body and having
> a particular role in bringing people to your Kingdom. You have given him
> special gifts for this, and we are asking that he can use them more and
> more. Make him able to do this one thing that is necessary but so
> incredibly difficult - to give up his desire to be female - lay it at your
> feet (it's wholly yours, Lord, he's not going to take it back) - and make
> him free to know your love and peace more fully himself, so he can serve
> those who need this love and peace so much! Help him to continue the
> process of forgiving himself which he has described. And Lord, please make
> Judi know that she, as Brett's own personal prophet, is very much a part
> of all this! Use this final relinquishment as an extremely powerful
> reinforcement of this marriage, for your glory!
>
> Thank you, Lord Jesus for making this possible (even with our very little
> faith).
<<<

>>>
> Phil 2:12-13.
<<<